Looking back, Looking forward
When I look back on the year 2023, I feel a sense of satisfaction and gratitude.
I think first of my divorce. And perhaps it surprises you to hear that I think of that warmly and even with a sense of joy. It was a decision to live on after the death of something. Because the death of my marriage came long before the decision to part ways, of course. It was the choice to open up to a new way to live well, and I am proud that I was brave enough to make that choice, also for the example it gives my children and even the one it gives to you, dear reader.
The death of a marriage is a loss, and it is an especially sad thing when children are involved. But, choosing to live on - that gives energy, hope and makes space for thriving. May 2, 2023 I made that choice, and I am so glad I did.
In 2023 I guess I changed my life even more than when I moved across the ocean in 2019. The shape of our life is never set in stone. The things that you take for granted, good and bad, can evaporate like a mist. What I surely have observed in my years on this earth is that life can always, always surprise you. That doesn’t feel like a threat to me, rather more of a curiosity and a promise. Like a book that you want to keep reading, or better, like a story that you are making up as you go. What will happen next year or the next? The only way to find out is to keep on living.
What else in 2023? So much! I lost 20 pounds thanks to a hormone balance correction related to my thyroid disease. The weight fell off literally by itself after a decade of struggling and working hard to manage my weight, with mostly disappointing results. That was so totally unexpected and life changing too! So that’s another reason why I am ending the year feeling healthy and happy.
The shape of my life as a mother has also evolved. This last year I got used to the idea of my oldest child, Aria, moving back to the United States in 2024 to restart her life there. That’s a major letting go. Meanwhile, Liam (almost 17) is blossoming into a truly amazing person. He is so mature and ambitious and hard-working. I know he has a bright future ahead and hope it remains in my proximity.
Just over a year ago, there were 5 people living at home and now there are 3 - Elora, Liam and I. These days we eat dinner by candlelight. I cook more often. I do the grocery shopping myself, and I sleep in the very middle of a two-person bed. Our home feels quieter, more peaceful, but not too quiet - not yet!
Elora is becoming more independent, though I definitely have to provide a push now and then to keep that momentum going. All of the worry I used to carry because of her significant speech delay has also evaporated this year. She is one of the best readers in her class, so even though her verbal enunciation is still poor, I know she will be able to get on with her education and have choices in life. I will be forever immensely grateful for all the expert help that The Netherlands provided to help her on her way.
And in my love life? Well, you know that has been monumental in 2023! I guess it started at some point around January, when a lightbulb went on in my head - I realized that I had a lot of love to give and that I found myself lovable. What a waste then to stay in a marriage without love. By the time that I ended my marriage in May, I was so ready to go out there and risk love again.
I wonder if my business has thrived in 2023? By the numbers, it was an average year, but I know that my attention was often elsewhere. There was a lot at stake in my life that needed my attention.
My favorite quilt by far is the one I made for Floris, called Rainbow Over Head. It totally captures for me how it felt to fall in love again, to find a rainbow after a storm in a very special person. I often feel very lucky, like how it feels when you spy a rainbow.
I have been working on Positivities 2024 BOM club for the last five months. So that is one area where I have been dedicated in my work. I look forward to seeing the fruits of that labor in the new year, especially in the positive quilts that you and I will make together!
And when I look forward to next year? I have fears and worries:
how painful will it be to sell this house that I love?
must I move my business out of the home, because the longarm is difficult to fit into a smaller space?
am I navigating this single/dating mother thing well for my children and my future?
can I navigate Aria’s wedding with kindness amidst my sorrow?
I have hopes for next year too:
that we find a new place to live that feels like home again.
that I develop as an artist thanks to the space/energy/support generated in the last year.
that I learn more and more how to love as a healthy adult.
that book club and my girlfriend friendships continue to be awesome!
that I become a Dutch citizen.
I am excited about 2024. I always like even years and this one is a leap year. That is enough reasons to be optimistic, right? This year should be special!
So while Floris is strumming and singing,
“So this is is Christmas.
And what have you done?
Another year over.
And a new one just begun,”
I am thinking, yes - this new year is our year. We live on.