Our 16 week gender scan was charged with emotion. After having lost our baby girl, our much-wanted, long-anticipated baby girl, Brandon and I were unabashedly hoping our new baby was a girl as well. And for that reason, I figured it would be a boy. C'est la vie. When the tech announced just that news I worked frantically to hold it together. I could hear the uncertainty in her voice, but Brandon couldn't. As soon as we were alone, I asked him what he thought, and he said she sounded sure.
Which just meant I was being crazy.
I dutifully sent a cryptic
text to all the people, "It's a boy." For a week I wouldn't consider
names. I was angry, missing Eleni, kicking at fate. Then something
shifted emotionally and made space in my heart for this him. Only, once
the emotions processed and the despair started to fade, all the facts
came into focus. I wasn't sure - the images hadn't looked right. The tech hadn't been sure - she kept deflecting. Really, wasn't it true, we couldn't be
It's actually better to be sure. For me, at
least. When you're sure you can throw that emotional energy into getting things
done. Creating a special space. Making the best of it. When you're
not sure, you Can't. Do. Anything. You're the crazy woman holding onto
all the baby girl clothes, refusing to finish that Lotus quilt that
would be perfect for a girl's nursery, admitting to your best
friends that you're thinking it could still be a girl.
Not blue. Not green. Not orange. Not brown...
It turns out CORAL is the color I need! Because it's a girl, people. Baby is all girl!
This week at our 20 week scan, a new ultrasound tech performed a detailed anatomic scan. Unbiased by previous conclusions, she said it was a girl. With confidence. Challenged by previous conclusions, she showed me it was a girl. From three different angles!
So, goodbye to that mint and tangerine color scheme,
and it's back to the drawing board on the perfect name. I'm glad I didn't finish that blue blue patchwork stockings, buy up those baby boy diapers or start to
work on the nursery. I'm glad I was a little bit crazy.
Because, sometimes, crazy is right.