Thursday, May 29, 2014

when I am alone

Last night I awoke with an odd feeling, just an hour or so after falling asleep. In my groggy state, I knew my body as a patchwork quilt with too many diamonds that felt hot, lightly nauseous and needing to pee. If I could just sort those diamonds better so that they were spread out evenly, I might be able to go back to sleep...

Needing to pee? So soon! And I'd been going about hourly all that previous day. A good early pregnancy sign. But, I was planning to take a pregnancy test in the morning and didn't want to dilute any pregnancy hormone that the test would be trying to detect. By morning my period would be 2 full days overdue. I'd already had one negative test, but it could have been too early. False negatives are common and my body had been feeling different this time, so sore so early on.

Over an hour of tossing and turning, with gentle waves of nausea coming and going, I was smiling. Never had nausea been so welcome, felt so sweet. If I'd sat up and hurled, I would have shouted in triumph! But no luck. Eventually I gave in, took care of my needs and drifted back to sleep.

But not a good sleep. Not lately. If I can sleep 3 hours straight, I consider that quality rest at this point. I've been so stressed about my waking temperatures and what they might mean at this critical time of the month that I've had consecutive nights of waking hourly all night long, sometimes waking for good as early as 4 am. Then tears.

I know the stress and lack of rest is no good for fertility. But where can I go to hide? During the day I repeat my mantra, “It doesn't matter when I get pregnant, this month or in July, in October, whenever. I just want to get pregnant eventually. It's ok, if it's not now.” And during the day I feel that, really I do. This has been my easiest ever two-week wait. I've felt peaceful and only vaguely optimistic that this could be the month.

At night my body betrays me. Wakeful sleep and constant dreams, even between those hourly wakings. I am not in control.

Then my period did not arrive as it should on Tuesday. A Wednesday morning pregnancy test (14 days past ovulation) was negative. The only other time I'd experienced a 13 day luteal phase, I believe I experienced an early miscarriage since my waking temperatures stayed up 7 days after my flow began. Surely my period would arrive on Wednesday. How could it not?

It didn't.

This morning's pregnancy test was negative, but I was fully and giddily optimistic. It was 15 days past ovulation, and I have a consistent 12 day luteal phase. I had peed during the night and wasn't using the best of pregnancy tests. Not having enough hormone to be detected on day 15 could be a bad sign, miscarriage might occur, but for now I was probably pregnant. Probably pregnant.  Probably pregnant!

Until it started at 9:45 am.

And now I don't know what's next. Do I try to keep temping so that I can see if my temperatures stay up and I am having another miscarriage? I am a person that appreciates data. If that's the pattern, I'd like to see a doctor and find out if there's something that's causing a problem, maybe something I can take that will help. And then, I don't want that kind of help. I don't trust it. I should trust my body to let it go if it's not right. Shouldn't I? Plus, we can't be spending money unnecessarily.

Or, do I forget the temperatures and let myself sleep. It's anticipating taking my waking temperature that disrupts my sleep cycle. When I've taken time off from temping, I sleep well again. Surely, that's critical for my well being, for a possible pregnancy? Should I put myself in the dark about my cycle, stop gathering information, focus on rest? Should I spend the next months waiting in the dark?

I don't know what's next, but right now I wanted to tell you, tell everyone. I hate putting a lid on these emotions. I hate not being allowed to hope, to be excited when my period's late, because I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I hate not being allowed to cry and wallow because I should have known better. I want to feel what I feel, without judgment, without shame. I want someone to know what it's like to live through this day in and day out. I want to not be alone in this. The hardest thing is to be alone.

And we are alone, in our bodies, in our passions for our lives. No one can truly join you in that pain or that joy.

****

So, that's how I feel sometimes.

Other times I feel an incredible peace, a peace that passes understanding and comes from above, giving me the grace to wait patiently, to trust, and the comfort that I am not alone. My God hears every worry, every cry of my heart. He weeps with me. He loves me. And, I believe He looks forward to a future where this journey ends somewhere worth the while.

Amen.

****

I've had time to reflect since writing this post at mid-day.  I will be taking a break from temping at least for the next month.  Meanwhile, I am making an appointment to see a doctor.  Thank-you for allowing me to share my heart in this safe place.


86 comments:

  1. oh rachel, i don't know exactly what it's like to be you right now, but i do know some of the pain you're feeling. i think i said this before, but with ingrid i got pregnant on the first try, but with solveig it took 7 months! i couldn't believe it! i thought for sure i would never get pregnant again and it was killing me. i went through that same roller coaster of emotion with every cycle. it's terrible and emotional and it can hurt so much. so i'm glad you're going to stop taking your bbt for a while and just relax. anything you can do to enjoy this time as much as possible will be so good for you, as hard as i'm sure that is. xo

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  2. I will say a prayer for the peace you need in this trying time. The temping and regularity are so very foreign to me as I had very irregular cycles; I don't know what you are going through, but I do know that you are never alone on your path whatever it is.

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  3. My heart is with you! I d give you a squeeze. No words need to be said.
    Teena

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  4. Your writing is heart felt and truthful. I wish I could give you a hug! For different reasons than you I find myself recently waking in the night and feeling the same "not in control" feelings. Daylight always brings perspective. I will keep you in my prayers.

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  5. I truly understand. I have been there, and thought there was no hope after a miscarriage, but I did see a specialist, took progestrone, and used the clear blue easy ovulation kit. Much less stress than temping, and worth every penny. Now I have two beautiful babies. Hang in there and take a deep breath.

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  6. my shoulders literally dropped as i read this - i was holding my breath for you. sooo sorry to hear this, even though those words might sound empty as they are repeated time and time again, i do so mean them. i'll keep you in my prayers. if you're looking for something else, you can look into this (https://www.facebook.com/PPVI.Institute/photos/a.466077010091727.114691.162468760452555/772632539436171/?type=1&theater), but breaks are often necessary for the mind. i myself have had heartbreaks, and have so many friends who have, as well. i can't believe the number of people who have troubles with these things; it really is incredibly high. here to support you :)

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  7. You have been in my thoughts/prayers since you mentioned pregnancy a while back. I am so very sorry to hear that you are still waiting, struggling. I hope your period of rest brings you renewed strength and your doctor's visit brings some clarity. And in case you need permission- feel your feelings. Feel them hard and for however long you need to. But find someone trustworthy to share them. Even if they don't know *exactly.* Hugs.

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  8. Dear Rachel, my heart aches for you. I have been there too and I feel your angst and despair.. I too used the ovulation tests rather than temping: much easier. I think going to see a doctor is the best idea. You probably will get the help and support you need. And no you are not alone although the solitude you feel is totally understandable. I pray for you . Hugs

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  9. I'm sending you virtual hugs! I'm amazed to see you write so personally and honestly. Just a thought… do you have a good reflexologist near you? Try and find one who specialises in fertility if you can, but that time is well spent, an hour or so, just for you to relax and put yourself in someone else's hands for a while, can be very restorative. A lovely reflexologist here helped me enormously with amenorrhea (lack of periods) some years ago which was all stress related, but she taught me simple things to help and she helped me get better. I am a trained reflexologist now, but not practising at the moment as I'm a mummy. Anyway, just thoughts, but good luck and continue to let out how you feel. You are perfectly entitled to feel all that you do. xx

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  10. Let go...truly let go. Let the universe or God handle the details. The act of truly letting go, relaxing and living in the moment, creates room for all manner of wonderful things to happen. Maybe that will be a baby, maybe it won't. One thing is sure, you will have lived the moments between now and then rather than having spent them stressing about a future you have no control over. Do what you can, take loving care of yourself and leave the rest in the hands of something greater than yourself. Have faith that the path you are meant to walk is in front of you. Trust.

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  11. Hugs for you! I really think you just need to stop trying so hard and thinking about it so much I know easy to say hard to do. I do have a small story that might prove my point though. Friends of mine tried everything to get pregnant it seemed to be all that they could think of after a few desperate tries at in vitro they decided there was no hope to have a child of their own so they adopted a wonderful little boy. THey made a wonderful life for their son and when he was almost 3 low and behold they were pregnant. Now they have 3 children. So I believe there is always hope but that sometimes you really need to just let go and let God in every way.

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  12. Don't know what to say say except thinking of you and hoping it happens soon for you. Hang in there I think being as regular as you are is a good thing.( that's how I have always been and I have a big family ) Hope the Doctor can help it's worth talking to him it can't hurt to try find out more. Best wishes and hope you feel better x

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  13. We are longing with you Rachel. Taking a break from temping sounds like a good idea. My brother and his wife were trying for 3 years and fell pregnant on an overseas trip that they took add a break from it all.
    Don't know if stories like that are helpful.
    Also a friend of mine who had cancer was told that studies show that hope plays a key role in survival. Keep hoping and trusting my friend. And feeling. I'm sure they impact our physical bodies. Thank you for sharing your deepest self here. Xxx

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  14. I have been where you are and feel your frustration and sadness. I did temp. tests for 18mo before I finally stopped and went to the doctor. Months of tests (hubby too) before we found what the problem was. After a dose of Clomid and surgery for the husband we now have 3 boys. But boy do I remember the hope and frustration. Sometimes there are issues with our bodies we cannot feel or understand, things we can't fix. Finding a doctor may help answer questions you have. If it wasn't for my husbands loving doctor, we would never have had children :) Thank you for sharing your story, you are not alone xoxo CIndy

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  15. (((hugs)))Dear Rachael, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I know that it must be extremely hard and stressful. I think that talking to your Dr is a good thing to do. It will help to alviate some of your worries, so it is not wasted money. I also think stop worrying about your temp for awhile would be a good thing. It's one thing to SAY relax, dont' worry, have Faith, but it's all together different when you are the person it's being said to. So I wont say it. I will just pray that God gives you another bundle of joy, it will be in His time though, and I pray that is soon for you.

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  16. Even though I've never tried having babies, this is something that stresses me out. What if we can't make babies ? What if I can't be pregnant ?

    I think you've made a good decisions to stop taking your temperature, especially since you know it's stressing you out. You already have two beautiful kids so you know you can trust your body for that. Everything comes at the right time, we just have to believe it :)

    Big hugs xx

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  17. I am so sorry for what your going through. I had a miscarriage at almost 10 weeks before I had my daughter. I remember all those months of temping and waiting and peeing on sticks and hoping and praying. My heart goes out to you and I hope those two lines show for you soon. Big giant hugs!!

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  18. I really appreciate your honesty in this. I've had a few miscarriages, a few weeping days of "But I thought THIS time..."
    I know it's been said but I will re-say it: things almost always happen when we stop trying to control the outcome and allow God to do what He has planned for us. I know you said you appreciate data, but does all the temping and tracking really give you peace and rest? It won't affect the outcome if a baby is what God has planned for you. Maybe you're not meant to know every detail. Maybe the Lord is trying to teach you to rely on Him more through this.

    Regardless, you are in my prayers, especially for those lonely, heartbroken nights half-awake and crawling out of your own skin. I may not be able to inhabit your head with you, but I do understand.

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  19. You're totally not alone! My first son was conceived while I was still on the pill, so we thought a second would be no trouble. 9 very long months later I finally fell pregnant, it was the most stressful time of my life ever, and the pregnancy was no easier either, it threatened to miscarry for the first few months. I'd love a 3rd baby, but going through all that again totally puts me off! No matter how much I tell myself it would be different this time and we'd just let it happen, no stress, I know it'd never happen that way! So try not to over think it - impossible I know! Big hugs!

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  20. I was reading this hoping for amazing wonderful news but I am so very sorry it's not. You may feel alone in your body, but you are not alone. If I could hug you and show you that in person, I would! I give good hugs, so trust me that you could be convinced!

    Heartbreak aside, I would keep temping and documenting changes in your body (I too like data) and bring your data to your OB. There are tests they can do to see if you are ovulating on time, that your chemical levels are pregnancy friendly, and the tests they do in office are much more sensitive than the ones over the counter. Secondary infertility is surprisingly common and most of the time something can be done to help things along that aren't as invasive as IVF.

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  21. I am so so sorry you feel alone in this. Trust me that you are not! I think any woman who has tried to get pregnant has felt this way. Hang in there and I'm glad you decided to not temp, hopefully that will take off some of the stress. I used ovulation tests with success. They may work well for you since you know when your LP is. Lots of prayers and never feel alone. Motherhood and the journey to it can be hard always be willing to seek support! Lots of hugs.

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  22. I know exactly what you're going through and my advice is to let go and try to relax as much as possible. I've been actively and passively trying to get pregnant for almost 5 years (with a wonderful adopted boy who just turned one coming along during that time) and the whole process really is enough to drive someone crazy. I've obsessed about temps and times and days and I've also tried to ignore it all as much as possible. We've seen fertility doctors, taken tests, taken hormones and injections and all it served to do was stress me out. Unfortunately nothing is identifiably "wrong" with either my husband or me which I think only adds to my frustration. I'm sorry you have to go through this but you definitely aren't alone even though I know it feels like that, especially when you're laying in bed in the dark of night.

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  23. I am sorry for what you are going through. Your words are beautiful and heartfelt. I will say a prayer for you.

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  24. I can totally relate tot his post. This was my story when trying to get pregnant with my son. My doctor put me on meds…and ultimately it did help. The meds had side effects on me…giving me headaches that were excruciating. :*( After 2 months on the meds I told my husband I was done. I couldn't torture myself anymore and I wanted to begin looking into the adoption process. I gave up on temping, ignored the new/different prescription that my wonderful dr. prescribed. And once I gave up…I became pregnant. The stress really is so hard on our bodies and everyone telling you to be patient or try not to think about it mean well, but are slightly crazy…because when you want to add to your family that's all you can think about. There's no easy answer…but know that you're not alone in this journey. Bring the data you have collected to your dr. It helped us figure out where my "problem" was and ultimately led us to the meds that did help (despite the ugly side effects). You're in my prayers and I send you lots of virtual hugs.

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  25. He said, "There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live."

    Have patience, God isn't finished yet. (Philippians 16)

    The secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is. (Anne Voskamp)

    Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying. (Romans 12:12)


    Sending you hugs, hope and peace Rachel.

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  26. I think you made a wise decision on both fronts. Trying to get pregnant with such a laser focus sounds like it's stressing you out, and that doesn't help you or your body get ready. I also think that seeing a doctor is a good pro-active step. Getting a consultation is a long way from any sort of prescription intervention, and it would be good to get a professional's opinion for your own sanity :)

    Hang in there! I'm here rooting for you :)

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  27. When I feel the most alone that's when I can get the closest to Him. When I'm hurting, waiting, hoping but no one knows it. He is there in the secrets of my thoughts, of my heart.
    He is there. He does see your silent tears and He does love you. When you draw near to Him, He draws near to you, till you are so close that you can lay your head on His shoulder and He can wrap His arms around you.

    You are in my prayers.

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  28. I'm not pregnant and don't intend to ever have children, but if you want another child so badly, why not adopt? There are so many children in this country that are unwanted, unloved, or cannot be cared for by their own parents. Why not spread some of your love to one of those?

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  29. I didn't have time to read all the comments but my thoughts are - don't put too much stock in your waking temperatures. Especially if you are not sleeping well, I just don't think they are that reliable. They have never been that reliable for me and caused me so much stress when we were in the middle of our adoption process and trying to *prevent* pregnancy. I've always been up a lot with our kids at night, even just to roll over and nurse a toddler or whatever. But yeah, temperatures stressed me out so much. I kept worrying I was pregnant even though we were using protection and finally my husband and I decided to just use other fertility signs which worked so much better for us.

    I think you're completely within the realm of normal regarding vasectomy reversals. I think it just can take longer. If you did any testing, I have heard that some men after a vasectomy make antibodies to their own sperm. This continues after the vasectomy is reversed, which is one of the reasons why the reversals aren't 100%. That's what my acupuncturist told me. He does a lot of fertility work and is certified as a reproductive acupunturist. We talked about it because my husband and I had wondered if he might ever want to get one some day when we're done having kids, but my acupuncturist feels it can trigger a sort of auto-immune response with the sperm. Anyway, I'm certainly no expert on the topic - just passing along what I was told. :)

    I'm sorry for your disappointment.

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  30. Rachel, The beauty that you create in your quilts and the mentoring you offer for so many quilters is a wonderful gift from God to all of us. I pray that he may bless you dearly and if it is his will, that you will be bless with another child.

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  31. I have a similar situation, you are certainly not alone in feeling how you feel. after a year of trying (for my 4th) and also after my 2nd miscarriage, I went to an OB-GYN and asked him to tell me what is wrong with me - but after some basic tests, "nothing is wrong". Just be patient, he says. So I went for a 2nd opinion. and he said I have 2 options - be patient or just go get IVF.

    Since I'm 38 and not into being patient anymore, nor do I feel like IVF is the right option for me and my family, I went to see a functional medicine practitioner. She ran a full panel of blood tests on me - something like 15 vials! - and the bottom line is that although I am basically healthy, I had some underlying thyroid issues and extremely low vitamin D, among other things. anyways, both of those can affect fertility as well as overall health. We set out to fix those issues and I quickly became pregnant...and am now a cautions 7 weeks pregnant.

    My point here is that while there is nothing "wrong" with you or husband, there may be something in your overall health that is affecting fertility. Since our bodies are so interconnected, overall health and balance is important. Perhaps if you found a functional medicine practitioner you could shift your focus from fertility anxiety to overall health and I bet that everything will fall into place. Please email me if you have any further questions!

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  32. You are not alone. Thank you for writing this honest post. It has helped me find peace in knowing that I'm not alone.

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  33. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. I am glad that you know that you are not truly alone (even though it may feel that way). So many of us are out here, hoping for the best for you and your lovely family. Keep hoping. Keep getting excited and making plans for a new life. We are all here with you. Waiting and wishing. And we will all be here with you if the worst happens, too.

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  34. Rachel, the nighttime is always the hardest - when you feel alone in the dark and convinced that no one could possibly hear your heart. I'm glad that you have your faith. I always make myself get up and pad around until I've calmed myself. I have two wonderful children and three times that many miscarriages in my life. What I found worked to lessen the anxiety was simply this: let go, let God. Focus on the grace that you have before you.
    You are very talented and inspiring. Thank you for sharing!

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  35. (((((Hugs)))))) to you, Rachel. As so many other women have written already, you are most definitely not alone. So many of us have experienced those very same feelings as we waited to fall pregnant, often for many many months (I was a member of that club while trying for my first). It can be so discouraging.

    Please know that I've said a prayer for you today. And remember that God has given us the gift of Hope, that we may trust in Christ's promises and not have to rely solely on our own strength. He will carry you through this time, and be with you no matter what you face on the other side.

    xoxo

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  36. Oh my have I been there. We waited well over a year for our first and miscarried once before each of our girls. The hardest part for me to deal with is feeling/knowing it is totally out of my hands. It is so easy to over-analyze and get wrapped up in the details, trying desperately to predict and control. And you are right - nights are the hardest!

    For our 3rd (10 months in), we have let go of all the :doing: and while it doesn't make the ache go away, it does encourage me to honor the Lord in my waiting and stop idolizing control. I am so happy to be free from it.

    So I say to us both, keep on keeping on! We are not alone! And praise God He holds us in the palm of His hand.

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  37. thanks you for 'putting it out there', and your honesty. You are not alone - most of the moms/moms to be out there have gone through this roller coaster. I think good sleep and relaxation is more important than continuing to take temperatures. It is SO hard to turn your brain off at night when what you really need is just that! Good luck, I wish you peaceful sleeps! JAN

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  38. My second baby took long months of trying. It was very hard. I clung to Psalm 84:11, especially "no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless," and focused on God's goodness whether He blessed me with another child or not. He's three now and I am thankful (in hindsight) for the timing of his birth for so many reasons. Praying for peace for you.

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  39. this made me so sad for you. i hope and pray one day you get your hearts desire.

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  40. Aww, like may others following your journey, I've been secretly hoping to read joyous news out of the blue from you, Rachel, so I'm sorry to hear about your disappointment. I loved tracking and data, too, so I can appreciate your process and why it's hard to let it go, but I agree that getting a good night's sleep is invaluable and a great choice to make for yourself : ) Wishing you peace and rest!

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  41. Your story is so touching, so real and I love following you. May you be happy with the next results...best of luck, brave lady!

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  42. My heart and prayers are with you. Hugs too.

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  43. Rest in knowing that He does have a plan for you.
    Thank you for feeling safe enough to share all of this with us. Prayers are coming your way

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  44. Rachel, you're in my prayers. I hope you find peace.

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  45. Prayers and hugs Rachel, I hope you have good news soon.

    Barbara

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  46. Right there with you Rachel! While temping can be very helpful, knowing when you're ovulating is the most important since temp changes AFTER the fact... That being said I use temping to confirm ovulation but don't stress about it before or after much! and yes I've had all the early pregnancy symptoms the last 3 cycles too! :( All the best to ya...

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  47. Rachel darling, my heart goes out to you. Give your mind and body a rest from the temping. It will happen.

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  48. Rachel,
    I didn't read all of the comments above, but I hope by now you don't feel quite as alone. When you can't sleep, or your mind just won't focus on anything but not being pregnant, YET, write your feelings down. They are real, and if you give yourself the ok to verbalized how you feel about your situation it takes a little bite out of it's sting.
    When I was 16 and would babysit, back in the mid 1960's, I pretended the babies were my bundles of joy. I hated going home, I loved it if I was there during feeding, and rocking time. Well, I married at 18 1/2 and we tried to start a family right away. Through many years of trying, a couple years of tests, and the outcome was the hubby decided he wanted to be married to someone else. What a heartbreak, but God had better things in store for me. I remarried and still things seemed to not go any better. I had been told all along that I was fine, just give it more time, so we did. I was 31 when my first son was born and 33 1/2 when my second son came along. I've only been blessed twice, but BLESSED I AM ! I now have grandchildren and I thank God often for keeping my desire for children alive. I almost gave up all hope when I was 30. But I always new I wanted Grandkids.
    Keep hoping in The Lord. To Hope is to wait expectantly with anticipation.
    And once in awhile throw a little hissy fit, God will love you through it.
    Luann

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  49. I'm glad that you felt strong enough to share your heart. Praying for you, that you will indeed experience the mercies of God for your desires.

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  50. Rachel, take a break, reduce work time, travel with your husband if you can. Enjoy learn some geography and different people. Love and give your body and mind a rest. Let it go. Leave it in God's hands. A big hug for both.

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  51. Oh Rachel, my heart breaks for you. Three suggestions; take it easier on yourself, try a Chinese herbalist who specialises in fertility, trust in God. Hugs and thinking of you.

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  52. I remember those days. I can only hope that the roller coaster you are on now will result in the giddiness of getting pregnant very soon. Regarding the doctor visit, please don't consider it an unnecessary expenditure. If nothing else, if it provides you with peace of mind, then it's money well spent. You don't need stress about whether your body is not doing something it should at this time. Best of luck to you.

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  53. Oh I so remember what this was like and that roller coaster is physically and emotionally exhausting. Please try to take care of yourself as best as you can. I'm glad that you are going to a doctor to get checked out. My reproductive endocrinologist was the best and although I was never able to get pregnant through 6 rounds of IVF, I don't regret it one bit. At least I know that I tried. I truly hope that you get some answers and your dream becomes reality soon.

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  54. Prayers, blessings and peace for you and your family.
    Ellen
    15septemberarts.blogspot.com

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  55. Oh Rachel my heart goes out to you. Please keep letting us know how you're doing if that helps you. Prayering for you.

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  56. I will pray for you that you will find peace. Sometimes, most of the time I forget to live in the moment and be humbled and grateful for all that I have. You are so blessed - try and let go, and enjoy every moment of the beautiful family you have. Relish the summer sun, your children's laughter, your amazing talent - enjoy!

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  57. Oh Rachel ~ thinking of you and this challenge you're having. I'd say relax, let go and let the God you trust in do the work.
    Thank you for sharing something that is so close to your heart ~ you have so much courage. I admire you so much!

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  58. Prayers added. Peace, rest, hope.

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  59. My fertility doc told me not to temp because its just another stress.
    I'm not going to tell you to relax, cos I know how annoying that is....maybe a glass of wine?

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  60. Hugs! The whole thing must be so very frustrating. I'm know your post helped many people who have experienced the same.

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  61. Going to the Doctor is a good thing. Taking care of yourself is very important!

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  62. Sweetheart,
    I truely feel for you. I have tears in my eyes after reading you post.
    God loves us all and he will allow you to fulfill your maternal wish when the time is right.
    He is with us always.
    And you are in my prayers.
    Jacqueline in Pitt Meadows
    quilt-sewhappy.blogspot.ca

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  63. I know there's nothing to say that hasn't already been said, so just know you are in my thoughts and prayers! Xo

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  64. I have been where you are twice....both took 2 years each, two separate times and different Daddy's. But I am the mother of 4 kiddies the youngest turning 2 this week....have a little faith xxx

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  65. Dear beautiful woman,
    You are so blessed to have your faith...and you know that God has a plan for you.
    With love, compassion and thanks to you for your strength in the vulnerability of your sharing. God bless you today. Warm hugs, Lynn

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  66. Another here to assure you that you are not alone. After a solid 7 months of temping, OPKs and negative pregnancy tests I decided to take a break from it all and what do you know that was the month I finally conceived. Little Euan is now a week old and the time it took to get him here is soon forgotten.

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  67. Thank you for having the courage to share you experiences with the world. I am wishing you the best.

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  68. Thank you for having the courage to share you experiences with the world. I am wishing you the best.

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  69. Impressed by your writing...and all the heartwarming comments, there are almost no more words for me left to write I think. Anyway the same as many here: my first pregnancy was quick, the second took over a year, no idea why. So many worries like you,until I got pregnant when I had a holiday coming up to prepare and look forward too and really didn't have the time to think about pregnant and all.
    Wishing you all the best,
    Annemieke

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  70. Sleep Rachel. Good, healing, deep sleep. Xx

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  71. I've been where you are and I wanted to recommend an ovulation detector. Not sure if anyone else has already said this, I didn't read through all 73!! comments. I struggled with both my pregnancies and finally did the ovulation detector (i believe it was ClearView brand). It's a pee on the stick thing that you do for 2 weeks every month and it then lets you know when you are ovulating. MUCH easier than temping (which i did for months). They are pricey, but you can buy the units on craigslist and then get your own sticks. I sold mine to a friend across the country who got pregnant using it right away (as did I). Good luck!!

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  72. Rachel. If i lived any closer I would drive over and give you a hug. I'm sure the previous comments share all the same love, sentiment, and sharing... but I needed to add mine to the list. I have to be honest and say that I haven't regularly kept up with your blog for a while - when we chatted at Quiltcon last year I knew you were wanting more kids, I knew you'd conceive before I would... and it's too hard to watch. I subconsciously block out those things (totally healthy right?). My friend Emily sent me here to read this post today- she knows I needed to read it as much as you needed to write it. I wish you all the luck in the world, I hope things work out... and if nothing else... know you're not alone in 15DPO over analyzing. Unfortunately for me it seems like I don't ovulate all the time (yay). Nothing like paying attention to EVERYTHING and it mounting up to no ovulation. I don't temp anymore. It's too much. I follow the Billings Ovulation method - with some OPK's thrown in when I'm really felling like it. Someday it'll happen. Sending you some love.

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  73. It's a roller coaster that's for sure and you are not alone. I fell pregnant straight away with my first three pregnancies (2nd and 3rd unfortunately resulted in early miscarriage of twins and delivery of a boy at 18 weeks gestation) but despite that heart ache it then took so long to conceive again. I finally went to a doctor to find out I had coeliacs disease - no symptoms. This disease does have side effects of infertility. My dr put me on iron tablets and I fell pregnant straight away and fortunately went on to have another two beautiful babies however, my long winded message is, sometimes it is good to visit a dr or specialist. Cause you just never know. Wishing you every happiness in the future.

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  74. Thank you for sharing this post. Sometimes in this blogging universe we can be tempted to think everything is perfect in everyone else's life because we tend to post only the good and the happy. Sharing the frustrating, the sad and the agonizing is so brave and honest. I applaud you for it. I will be praying for you, both for peace while you wait and for a pregnancy.

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  75. Thank you for sharing with us. My heart really goes out to you, Rachel. I have never been in your position (no kids and 37) but from everything you have shared, you seem like the "dream Mom." I have my fingers crossed for you and I hope that everything works out. I think a visit to the doc is a good idea, and make sure you take all your info. Best of luck and I hope you are able to get some rest.

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  76. I'm pulling for you Rachel- I know what you're going through can't be easy. My sister and her husband had similar difficulties conceiving for several years. It was only after they decided to take a break from trying that they finally got pregnant. I am hoping things will work out for you.

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  77. I have no words of wisdom for you, Rachel. I am sending healing thoughts and prayers. May these whisper to you when you need to know that you are not alone ... <3

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  78. Hi Rachel...I know I'm late in sharing my thoughts with you...and part of me whispers, "Don't share...it's not what she will want to hear." Years years ago I walked down this very path you are now trodding. Your very thoughts and words could be my own. At first we never thought we'd be blessed with a baby at all. We tried and tried for several years and no baby, then, just as we were ready to begin medical intervention I miraculously discovered I was pregnant! Oh the joy :o) We welcomed our sweet baby boy and loved on him for three years. Then, we thought, "If we had one sweet baby surly we can have another." The pattern of trying repeated itself, only this time we spent several thousand dollars accompanied with a great deal of medical intervention. Each time the answer was "no" not this month. I was making myself sick with anxiety and making my little family miserable with my wanting for what I did not have instead of rejoicing with what I did have. It has not been often in my life that I actually felt like God spoke to me, but without a doubt He gave me Matthew 25, versus 21 & 23, "Well done good and faithful servant, thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make you a ruler over many." I knew then that we were not to have another baby I was to be faithful with the small family that God gave me in his perfect wisdom...and Rachel, God made that okay. He took away all the stress and wanting for what I didn't have. A couple years later the answer was written with much finality when I ended up having a hysterectomy. I'm not writing this to dampen your desire, or in any way to tell you that you should not have it. Maybe I should not be writing at all...these are probably words you do not want to hear. But, I just thought I'd share that we have such a loving and good God, and when His answer is "No" He is without a doubt still a loving and kind God. Able to take all things and use them for his good. Now, all these years later there are still times I wish we might have had more than one child, but in all honesty I can look at the path life has taken us down and see the beauty and wonder of God's hand, and I know that for us the one child he gave us is the perfect family. I guess, in the end, what I want to say to you is that whether the final answer is "YES!" or "no" God will gently speak to your spirit and you will know that it is the very best answer for your family.

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  79. Not alone! So, so not alone! I keep hoping to see you update this topic, but of course hope for positive news. Im glad you decided to see a doctor, many times it is the best next step, for either treatment or peace of mind. Going through this makes it so clear to me that all life is a miracle. In 4 days (after nearly 4 years) I find out whether our ivf worked, so I am right with you in feeling that roller coaster of hope and emotions. Best of luck, sending you love.

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  80. Goodness, what a roller coaster! It is so hard to sit back and trust fate will bring you your heart's desire when you want it so badly. I wish you patience and more peaceful days and nights than fretful ones.

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  81. I am amazed at your openness. You are definitely not alone. I'm happy you have been so open on the topic. I don't understand why fertility issues and miscarriages are so hush-hush when everyone relishes in sharing every detail (good and bad!) of a successful pregnancy. It doesn't seem fair. I hope you get good news from the doc and success soon.

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  82. Oh honey, I've peed on enough sticks to go to the moon and back. >_< I've been there. I know that roller coaster all too well. I will keep you in my heartfelt prayers. I know for me telling God, "I give this to you" really helped me feel better. I hope you find what makes you feel better. **hugs**

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