Wednesday, March 5, 2014

on my table, on my mind

It happened last night.  A switch flipped somewhere deep inside and I found myself again.  Today I feel soooo much better.  Ready to hope again, work again, smile again, and yes... try again.  That hormone fog was nasty though, and gives me a new empathy for those that struggle with depression.  When nothing sounded worth doing and nothing seemed possible anymore and I felt trapped alone with my grief - I knew I was not myself, but I couldn't see how to find her again.  I prayed, yes.  And I cried.

on my table, on my mind
scrappy stockpile

I'm glad I decided to share some of the sorrow here on Monday, because your comments really did help.  Something about not being pregnant makes a woman feel stupid, faulty, foolish, pitiful.  It was comforting to be received so graciously by you all, and especially to hear your stories.  Some people in my life have shared less-than-helpful comments.  Oh, they meant to help, to offer advice; but please don't serve constructive criticism to someone grieving.  I don't think they knew how sad I was inside.

basting
basting with Warm + Natural batting

One thing I did learn through this experience is that optimism, my trusty sidekick, does come with liability.  The darn thing won't quit, even when the quitting is good.  I've been trying to figure out how to approach things differently next time, to not want to be pregnant so bad or not hope so much or not need to know.  But optimism, it's there.  And intensity - that's me.  Don't ask me not to try or plan or hope.  Don't ask me to "go easy on myself".  That's not myself.  That's you.  That's someone else' path.

quilting
quilting along the seams, then fill in between

I'm used to aiming high.  And by now (I'm 31 years old, people!), I'm also used to disappointment.  I still think the best way to fly is to believe you can. 

binding
an extra table for quilting support

Some people I didn't expect to be so helpful, my husband and my close friend who just found out on Thursday that she's pregnant, have actually been the sweetest ears.  "It's not our last time to try, " he says.  And that's the best thing I've heard yet.  Thank God we have reason to try again and hope for a different result next time.  That's a privilege and a gift and... if I squint... maybe even an adventure.

p.s.  all the flowers are on my table

42 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you have to go through all this grief and disappointement. Glad you do feel a bit better today and you found comfort in some good people. I really hope and pray for your future happiness.

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  2. Glad you are feeling better, for me I'm at the far end of the spectrum and with hospital hormones had sunk slowly also into a horrible depression and getting worse but when I got the guts to go tell the DR he was very supportive and has got me on some natural pills to help aid the funk, and it has lifted a bit over the last 3 weeks, I expect it will more so later, good luck with the goals you have and I do love those flowers. I think I need to learn how to do round edges. Still a beginner here and have 3 projects already on the go at various stages and plenty planned in my head...sound familiar? :)

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  3. hope, pray and trust. God will do the rest.

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  4. I know exactly what you mean. I've been dealing with the same. Negative pregnancy tests, but my body doing weird things that I'm not used to. And although I keep telling myself that it's ok, that it's going to take a while, there's definitely a deep sense of disappointment that I'm not pregnant yet. I hope things work out for both of us, and that you have a good support network to keep getting those positive messages that you need to hear.

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    1. I think people imply that it's somehow wrong to be disappointed because you "shouldn't" really hope to get pregnant any one cycle. That may be a good approach for some, but I'd rather embrace that I do hope and will continue to hope each time. It's ok to be disappointed and sad. Hugs to you, Anna.

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  5. I'm glad you are coming out of the fog, friend.

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  6. I really admire your strength and I'm sorry you are going through this grief at the moment. I hope you get your wish and can welcome a new baby sometime soon. Maybe there's something to learn from this experience but the message doesn't always become clear until sometime after the fog lifts.

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  7. Hang in there your heading in the right direction. But I know how you feel about the feeling stupid, faulty, foolish, pitiful. I was feeling the same way recently when I stopped having my cycle. Even though I am way past wanting to have another child (I'm completely content with my choices) I still feel bad knowing that I cannot have another child. It's kind of silly since I don't want another child. I guess its like when your car is in the shop and your dying to get out of the house or its ash Wednesday and your craving meat!! Peace Cynthia

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  9. Sweet.... You give us an example of vulnerability, of being yourself.....

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  10. *gasp* your flower quilt top is beautiful! Thank you for sharing yourself. You are in my prayers.

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  11. I had to work haaard for my second and third children. Every. single. month that doesn't result in pregnancy brings disappointment and sometimes devastation. How could it not?

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  12. I'm sorry, Rachel. I've been thinking of you so much since your post on Monday. With my first two girls, I had early negative pregnancy tests but was actually pregnant. So I wondered if that might happen to you as well. I'm sorry it didn't work out this month.

    It's good that you know yourself. And I wish you the best of luck this month! ;)

    xxoo

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  13. I'm glad you are feeling better. Flu, the weather, and disappointment are each bad enough on their own but the combination would put anyone into a tailspin. I hope happier days are ahead and not too far away.

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  14. I'm glad you felt that switch flip over....depression sucks- I know.

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  15. Many hugs to you Rachel. I think do many of us have been in similar positions when trying to conceive, and can understand the sadness you feel when you don't get that positive test. I could never allow myself to stop hoping and feeling excited each month, which sometimes made the sadness even harder to cope with. But I don't think there's anything wrong with allowing yourself to embrace those feelings. Hope is a beautiful thing, and one of God's greatest gifts to mankind. I'll keep hoping and praying that your dearest wish comes true soon. xoxo

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  16. Sending hugs!!!!! Hope you get good news soon!!!!

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  17. Hugs to you Rachel as you face these ups and downs...the highs and lows are enough to mess with anyone's psyche. Just know that you are in my prayers and also know God will never give you anything more than you can handle, if you leave it in His hands, I know that is easy to say and not always easy to do. I, myself struggle with this daily, but that is what He is there for, to cast all your burdens on Him, so He can help you through. I am glad that your husband has encouraging words for you, sometimes you can feel very alone in your sadness, but it sounds like you have a good support system.

    By the way I love the flowers, they are so springy and happy...

    Blessings to you and your family,
    Jodi Connors

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  18. Huge hugs. Our first two pregnancies were easy to come by, in ways a little too easy. The third was an unexpected struggle. I sit here holding my two week old and remember what it was like to expect to be pregnant every cycle for 9 straight months and not be. It was frustrating and not many understood what I needed to hear or that I just needed to be heard.

    For me I think trying for 10 months has taught me something. It has taught me, a not very patient person, how to pause a bit more and breathe. I am almost glad for the months of wanting.

    Spring and warm days are just around the corner.

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  19. So glad you are feeling better! Nothing wrong with feeling disappointed that a hoped for event has been delayed. I watched my daughter in law struggle for years waiting to be a mom. They have a beautiful boy who is the light of our lives, he will be two in April. My advice to her was "don't take it personally" and "be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the universe to catch up with your dreams". I know that one day your dream will be a reality. Until then know that there are lots of people out here in blogland rooting for you and willing your dream into being. Hugs.

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  20. Dear Rachel, I probably know, what you mean. Yes, that is true "it is not last time to try it". Really. I was 36 years old and our little son Adamek was born. He was waiting for him good/right time :) Dear Rachel, you are so bright and kind person! And very very young nice woman. Really :) Trust to your husband and trust to your positive mind :) Hugs for you! Jolana

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  21. praying for you and sending good thoughts your way! xo

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  22. I hear you about the well-meaning people with their unintentionally sharp daggers aimed right at your hurts. We tried for 4.5 long, hard years to get pregnant with many disappointments after tentatively hoping that maybe, this time... When it finally happened, I remember that our joy was deeper because we remembered how deep our pain had been.

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  23. I'm so sorry....I missed that part of your post earlier this week. I pray that you will be blessed with the desires of your heart......and the flowers - absolutely gorgeous!

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  24. Rachel, you've been a blessing to my life with your honest, and often poignant, blog posts. You became one of my first inspirations when I discovered quilting. (Even now I'm thinking how gorgeous these flower blocks are!) So I'm sorry to know that you are going thru this sad and difficult time. Hugs and prayers!

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  25. My heart goes out to you! I'm 31 as well and these concerns and questions are very much on my mind. Two resources have helped a lot: the book my Toni Wechsler, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, is excellent and helped me figure out my cycle/body and Mountain Meadow Herbs have great herbal extracts for optimal fertility health. Hope that helps!

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  26. The little flower quilt turned out great, just love it. A glimpse of springtime and thanks for sharing it.

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  27. I had one of those WOW, moments Today.. and I dont remember if you remember but a few weeks ago, maybe a month, I replied to one of your blog or emails and asked you if you were ever messy and you must be out of sorts.. ( I forgot what you said to me) But anyway, I turned 50, and I have been married to a man for 12 years, its a strange relationship because we are so different from each other but we make this perfect couple. I get compliments all the time for it. But today, He said something, not mushy but he was really just listening to me. Its what he did that made me realize, This is a true marriage, and this is what love is really about. And this is how people stay married for 50 years. And its truly not something you can pin point. So I am glad you had the 2 close people in your life when you needed them, because my husband and best friend were here for me today also. Oh, and to add of funny note of humor to this sweetness, My plumber was here today also and took my lids off my medication bottles because I couldnt and didnt have anyone else here either and it was really funny..

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  28. I'm 54, and my husband and I adopted two very special, non-biologically related to each other, 25 years ago. I hoped, month after month, year after year, to have a baby. Did adopting stop that want, or need? No, it made it easier, but I still wish we had had a biological child too. In some ways I feel selfish, because my sons are wonderful and have brought us much happiness. I still wonder what it would have felt like to feel a child growing inside me, to give birth, to watch that child grow up and have children. I understand the loss.

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  30. Feeling much, can't express, God Bless you.

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  31. That quilt is stunning. You have beauty around you every day and you've created it. We never know what God has planned for our life. Why some things happen and some things don't. Looking back after having reached 59 years of age I wish I'd been happier in the moment with what I had. I was always pining for something more. Thank you for being so honest with your emotions. It makes it so much more enjoyable to "follow" you. Quilting is important but it's not everything.

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  32. Glad you are taking a positive approach, wish I was 31 again :O)

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  33. Hello friend, I just popped by to see how you are going. I've been thinking of you and your 'adventure'. Praying for hope and patience and a big resounding YES.
    Your quilt is just beautiful! So refreshing and different. It makes me long to see the original scene that inspired you.
    We're going well. My caesarean is booked for 2 weeks. And I can't decide if I want it to faster or slower. Been grieving again the things that happened that make a planned C the best option. But reading your thoughts this morning has reminded me that even after He gives us the things we long for, we need to hope, trust. He is kind and faithful.
    I'm glad you feel renewed optimism this week. I definitely second that it is better to hope and be disappointed than to not feel anything.
    Hope that flu leaves you all soon!
    xxx

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  34. God is Good and He hears the longings of our heart. Continue to try, believe, hope and pray.

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  35. You're such a sweety, Rachel. I sure hope you have "positive" results soon enough. So glad to have read what you said about your "personality" path being your own. My son is also pretty intense. Not at all in a bad way, but more of a perfectionist and tends to be hard on himself. My "just relax" talks are never received well. This really opened my eyes. Now, I get it. Thank you!

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  36. Oh Rachel my heart aches for you. I was in your spot for 10 years and many of those around me couldn't understand why after a while I was even unable to go to someone else's baby shower. When my youngest sister got pregnant, the family didn't want to tell me for fear I would be mad at her. I certainly wasn't mad at all, I was happy for her just very sad for me. Wanting a baby is the biggest ache in my soul that I have ever felt. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that soon you will be hearing the wonderful news you so desperately long to hear.

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  37. Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your disappointing week. When we tried for our second, we had a two month window in the middle of a 22 month stretch of separations for my husband's military schools and deployment. I can understand your feelings about intensity and hope - the first month I had the faintest line and was bouncing off the walls until it faded and led to a late cycle and I was sooo disappointed and frustrated. Nothing like wanting to be and *almost* being. Anyway, wishing you lots of positive thoughts and plenty more energy and intensity for the next chance ; ) And in the meantime, great to see your inspired piece coming right along!

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  38. I'm glad to hear the fog has lifted. It's difficult wandering around in there and like you said, we each have our own way of navigating in and around it. For me, it was a weekly acupuncture treatment. It gave me some time to reconnect with myself without all the other noise going on in the background. And a place to just let go and cry. I still miss those little souls that left too early but that's ok. They'll get another turn if they aren't already here. I wish you love and strength as you continue on this journey.

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  39. Oh Rachel, my heart goes out to you. We've been there and I know there's nothing I can say to you to make you feel better. But here's a hug, a Big Hug.

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  40. when I joined ur blog tonight I was only expecting to see sewing stuff and wow it was a relief in away that when I am feeling really down ( for different reasons) that I am not the only one. Your honesty is inspiring .
    I hope that you do get your hearts desire and I love your blog. take care

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